Just the other day I had to kick my own butt. I recently have been using a popular TV series on Netflix to “unwind” or to just “chill” after a long day. I used to brag that I don’t consume regular TV. In fact, I even have to go out of my way to watch it. I found myself needing to “chill” more and more frequently. Before I knew it, I watched 81 episodes of a modern-day soap opera! That is 3,240 minutes or 54 hours! But my real eye-opening moment was when I realized I was angry over the way the series season ended. I found myself ruminating over it throughout my day and that is when it hit me: I had become addicted to TV!

A dear friend of mine introduced me to neuroscience, specifically how the chemicals in our bodies react to certain stimuli.  My newfound favorite pastime was hitting all the right buttons and I became addicted to the drama of a television series. It was in that moment of self-reflection that I heard myself say, “Claudia-Jean, you are not living in the world you dream of, yet you have 54 hours to watch TV!” Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that the occasional enjoyment of TV is healthy. It is only when an imbalance occurs that it could be problematic. For me, I started to obsess over the show. I started to check out of my day early or binge-watch. After all, that is one of the benefits of Netflix, right? When I found myself thinking of a non-reality show based in drama instead of my goal, I knew I had something to look at.

This conversation with myself got me sobered up to the fact that I was in fact self-sabotaging. I didn’t do it knowingly but, once I identified I was indeed doing something which could be self-destructive, I had to take a look at that.

Self-reflection isn’t always easy or pretty. It can be one of the most difficult things to do, but once you create awareness you automatically become a different person. It is in the awareness that we can create change. In that moment, I recognized that I was addicted and decided for me not to engage in any TV series moving forward. This does not mean I will never watch TV again. What it means is I will be more mindful of my selection and my frequency. I will ask myself why I feel the need to check-out today. Is it that my mind is overloaded and I need a break? Or is it just for sheer pleasure? Or am I avoiding something?

We are gifted with twenty-four hours in a day. We are also gifted with passion and purpose.

When we clearly define what we want to create with our lives and remember we are the author of our story, our life choices become really clear. We decide how we are going to spend that time. As I look back and take in that I had spent 54 hours checked out, I cannot help but wonder where I would be if I had chosen to use that time differently.

Let me be clear, I am not beating myself up over it, for it is in the past and there is nothing I can do about that now, but I can seek to understand it. I do not want to re-write that in future chapters of the story of my life.

I think if I am to get really uncomfortable with my truth, then I must admit it was an unconscious act of self-sabotage.  I think deep down as I was working towards my dreams, I spooked myself. What if they actually came true? The thought is scary not because of success, but because of the unknown. I was, in fact, numbing myself to avoid being in discomfort. What I now realize, and as I look over my life, anytime I grew as a person, there was a time of being uncomfortable: the first time I rode my bike, the first time I drove a car, the first day of school, etc. I had long forgotten the discomfort I felt in those moments. And one day in the future I will forget these again and a new cycle of discomfort will present itself. After all, the day we become comfortable is the day we stop growing.

Our lives, the moments in them, and the choices we make create our stories. It is not only the conversations with others that have impact on our next chapter, but often the most important conversations are the ones we have with ourselves.