My colleague and dear friend recently passed away at the age of 50. In fact, as you read this, I will be supporting his mother, who is one of my closest friends, as she mourns the loss of her son and prepares for his celebration of life tomorrow.

When my friend was first diagnosed with cancer, he made what feels to me a very courageous decision to share his journey on social media. He did this because he wanted to conserve his energy and have one place to communicate with people, rather than having people call, text, etc.

He also had other specific requests: He wanted all of us to support him by watching this TEDx Talk before engaging and asked for no unsolicited treatment ideas based on our personal experience.

From the comments, I knew right away that people had not read his entire post, nor had they watched the video. Several people offered advice, and others reached out to him and his family outside the platform.

He clearly stated his needs and boundaries, yet people still did what they thought was helpful. Are they bad people? No, they are people who could only honor his boundaries to the extent of their own comfort.

As humans, our emotions impact our communication styles. Depending on the situation, some of us lean hard into our primary communication style, while others may draw on their third or last. The Creative communication style in this case wanted to offer research and data on innovative treatments. The Harmony communication style may have called or stopped by because they needed to talk or see him in person. The Action communication style didn’t read the entire post and maybe even made some off jokes or told him he had this. At the same time, the Template communication style, when knocked off balance, may resort to personal stories about what worked for them or their loved ones.

Often, each communication style subconsciously projects its own needs onto the other person. The Creative communication style would want to dive down rabbit holes of potential treatment possibilities. The Harmony communication style would want someone to be with them and comfort them through this time. The Action communication style uses humor to deflect feelings of pain. And for the Template communication style, they would need to ensure that the medical staff had the best credentials to make them feel as safe as possible if they had been diagnosed.

This is where being able to zoom out, especially when we are emotionally charged, helps create the space between our own impulse and someone else’s need.

Knowing how to step back, take a breath, and identify the other person’s communication style is the best gift we can give anyone, at any time. This allows us to understand what they would need in this moment, not what we need. It creates the space for us to honor the other person’s boundaries and meet them where they are.

The loss of life, especially when it is unexpected, is difficult for anyone, and even more so for my dear friend, who never thought she would be alive to bury a child. It is a shocking reminder that life is short and we all handle grief differently.

We never know what moment will be our last. As my minister says, “We never get this moment again.” When you leave people and then find out later it was the last time you would see them, would you have regrets, or would it be a loving memory?

What if we could be kind to each other, even when we don’t know what’s really happening in someone’s life?

How would it feel to have your boundaries heard and honored?

Can you do the same for others?